Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Chp 73. World Cup: Of women folks and football

Football. To most women, the very word itself can bring about a new height of insecurity. After all, it is the one element on Earth that they can never compete with. No matter how much Azzaro perfume they spray upon themselves (somebody’s gonna kill me for saying that! ) Or wear the most revealing designer minis and spaghettis, men will always ignore them for football. It is the Universal truth.

World Cup is the only time when we-men relax and wo-men yawns. But I really appreciate women who take that extra mile just to please their men. After all, we men do take a lot of effort just to please our woman like leaving the damn toilet seat down every time we finish peeing or flicking our cigarette in the ashtray and not everywhere we feel like. Take for example the UEFA Championship Finals. My roomie n I went all the way to KMG to watch it LIVE with a couple of other guys. Eventually there were around 15 of us and 50 rounds of beer. And among the people watching the match, 3 of the guys brought their girlfriends along. Two of the girls slept off even before half-time, and the remaining girl just kept text-messaging her friends through-out the match. Why did they come to the match in the first place when their boyfriends were going to ignore them anyway? I guess it’s because they want to show how much they love them by being present at such a special moment.

There are ofcourse many women crazy about football. I once watched a crucial match between Brazil and France with my mom! The sound effects she made when the ball was close to the goal was simply priceless. She would scream in her shrill high pitch voice “hets hets hets heeettsss…”, “khai khai khai khaiiii…”, “pet ro pet ro pet ro pet roooo…” (In English: “kick it kick it kick it kick itttt”). But the main difference between them and us is that they don’t analyze the players or game strategy like we do. They just sit and cheer with all their hearts out but have no idea what an offside means or what’s the difference between a direct and indirect free kick. Sometimes when a player plays a dummy role by acting as if he’s receiving a pass but let it go past him in the final second to fool the opponent, some women actually think “what a useless player, he can’t even receive a pass!”

Hence this post of mine is dedicated to all you women folks out there (and a few men like Benjamin, Admin of misual.com ) who think football is just about 22 men chasing a ball and trying to kick inside each other’s goal. I will start off with my dear friend Jenny. She works at the AOL call centre in Bangalore. She came over to my place one day and my roomie and I were watching an Arsenal match on ESPN. She has completely no idea about football and since my roomie and I were so deeply engrossed in the match, she tried to strike up a conversation regarding the match. Out came the ultimate football joke of the Century: “So has Arsenal qualified for the World Cup?” Gawddd!!!!! I have never laughed out that much in my entire life!!! And it was a very genuine and innocent question too. These are some of the reasons why I’m so grateful to God for making women so different from us. It’s as if they are here just for a comic relief

And then there is that mizo housewife who saw David Beckham during the World Cup 2002 and exclaimed in surprise “I thought Beckham was playing for Manchester United, how come he’s playing for England too?”

Another time I was in my own World watching Arsenal beat Leeds United 3-2 and a couple of friends were there too. David’s girl Julian (name changed) was there in the crowd and I was really impressed about the way she was seriously watching the match, until Arsenal scored their third goal and ESPN showed a clip of ArsenĂ© Wenger rejoicing. She exclaimed “Look look, their “Boss” is so happy!”. LoLz. I mean, in a way, he is their “Boss” but who calls him by that designation anyway? Women. Sigh.

For a guy, explaining the concept of Offside to a girl is probably one of the hardest things to do. Let me rephrase that. It is a Herculean task. Just when you thought they understood everything you told them, a few exceptional cases will occur, like when the ball strikes the body of the opponent and goes to the striker who was in an offside position but is actually not an offside since it was the opponent who touched the ball last, or when the linesman gives the benefit of the doubt to the defensive team even though it was not an offside, and the girl would start “Why is that not an offside? Why why why why why?” and all you feel like right then is taking out a shotgun and blowing her brains out.

Football is one game where we would like to be left alone without any questions asked. Mothers, sisters, girl friends, wives, concubines, please stay out. Maybe you enjoy watching the game, but you don’t understand the game and you never will. One reason why we have penises and you don’t. When God took that rib out from Adam and gave it to Eve, He unfortunately forgot to transfer the ability to comprehend football, and so that’s how things will be. After all, it’s just a once-in-4-years experience so quit cribbing and let your man enjoy. Cheer for a team if you must, but don’t ask silly questions during the game.

Just because a particular country has many good strikers doesn’t mean they can all play at the same time. And no, every foul does not deserve to get a yellow card. Yes, I can see the ear phone in the referee’s ear. What’s he listening to? Aaaargh. Shakira’s “Hips don’t lie” from the local German radio station. Happy? No I have absolutely no clue why he’s lying there screaming and grabbing his ankle even though the replay showed that there was no contact. Maybe the contact was so fast that the video camera failed to capture it. Yes a “banana kick” is an easy way to score a goal from a corner kick, why don’t you tell that to the players because I think they don’t know. No honey, for the umpteenth time, there are no commercial breaks during the entire game except at halftime. And no, PelĂ© is not playing for Brazil anymore. Huh, what did you just ask me? Do I know Maradona? No dear, I’ve been watching football all my life and have absolutely no idea who or what Maradona is. Is it an Italian dish? Aaaargh. Honey, can you please pass me my handgun from under the mattress?

After July 9th, you can nag him all you want. But till then, please, I beseech all you women folks out there, leave your man at peace. And by “your man” I mean, your boyfriend, husband, brother (especially little brothers ), cousin, father, uncle and anyone that’s remotely related to the male species of our race. The other day I was watching the Japan Australia match. The Japanese side was barely hanging on to a 1 goal lead and then on the 80th minute my sister told me we’re going out for dinner. Much as I hate to leave my personal space around the TV, the look in her eyes screamed out murder if I skip dinner again. So unwillingly I went out with her. Later I found out Australia scored 3 goals in the last 8 minutes! Aaaaargh! And when I told my sister what I missed because of chow-time, all she said was, “So what, it’s only 3 goals. People score that much all the time during football na?”. Aaaargh. Once again, where’s that handgun?

39 comments:

Dee Dee said...

You are misquoting me in public! No dinner for you FOREVER maggi boy!
Let me re-phrase that...no breakfast, lunch, dinner, booze, smokes, AC,TV, Roof over your head.......the works!

illusionaire said...

:-(

Nirav said...

Brilliant piece... so very true. God invented the offside rule so that women never know more about football than men... the offside rule is beyond them :)

usg said...

A true football fan u are bud...nothing ever takes a man interest away from booze and babe except a display of another mans endurance..aka football...

sowmya said...

I truly applaud your brillant piece of blog on women and blog. I truly admit I never really understood the whole game, though I am making efforts to understand the game.I even tried playing it with the guys [u know why they wanted us to play ball with them!;-), hey!hey!we are not complaining!] All though I dont know what an offside is or most of the football terms, I watch it for the hunks!!:-) And it might be one of the reasons M cheering for holland, but hey I am still on your team.:-)

Aishwarya said...

So those of us who do understand the offside rule, are we merely anomalies, or do we not exist? I ask merely for information, of course.

benjamin rualthanzauva said...

Don't listen. It's a tactic to score on women without sacrificing football. A planted excuse for future girlfriend when he wouldn't show up for dates becuase of Football match.

More response here

http://www.misual.com/node/1661#comment-13865

Puttu said...

dude!!! absolutely on the nail-head.... superb mis-match analysis

Mahesh.R said...

Hi, got here through desi-pundit. Hilarious post. But I have observed, women do know most of the ruels of cricket. Only the LBW rule alludes them. I guess in every sport one rule kepps the guys ahead of the gals. Long live sports......

sapphire said...

lol :)
mahesh u r so right

sunshine said...

he he... amazing analysis. And I shamelessly admit that I don't give a damn about the game or the rules, my only motivation for sitting through a 90 minute match is the good looking men running after one single ball and me fantasizing later that those men were actually running after me. I love Figo. Errr.... is he playing this time?

he he.... that was grrreat...

Hari said...

Totally hilarious dude. This is the second time I landed at your blog from Desi Pundit link. You rock! Keep on blogging!!!

illusionaire said...

@ Ash: No dear, you do exist, by all means. My post was just a harmless gentle humour on most women who watch the game just as it is unlike most guys who tend to analyze the game and discuss which formation would be the best to play, which substitution is necessary, what strategy to take etc etc Its not about me offending the women folks out there. Love you all. Muuaaah*

illusionaire said...

hehehe nirav. Thats a good one bro :-) By the way did u refer me at DesiPundit? Saw my link there and my visit today so far has already crossed the 200 mark thanx to you :-)

illusionaire said...

@ usg: well I do love watching football a lot, but surprisingly, my main game is basketball. But when it comes to watching on the idiot box, I prefer football because NBA has too many commercial breaks in between while it is one long show in football. By the way, the NBA Conference Finals are going on and I guess this is the first time ESPN is not showing it LIVE because of the World Cup.

illusionaire said...

@ puttu: Thanx dude. you're welcome to visit any other time too...

@ mahesh: hahaha right on! Every sport must have atleast one part that lets the man enjoy it more than the woman does. If not, then I guess we will all be wearing aprons and cooking dinner by teh sides of our spouse, and the sports channel wont even be programmed there in the 0-9 button of our TV remote control :-)

illusionaire said...

@ Sowmya: Do continue cheering for the hunky van's of Netherland, and maybe this not-so-hunky van here too *GRIN* But I just wondered, which guy wanted to play ball with you? Are you sure you didnt mis-hear what he actually said? *WINK*

illusionaire said...

@ Sunshine: Yes, Figo is still playing :-)

Well thats quite a fantasy you have dear sunshine, about all those 22 men running after you n stuff. May I suggest one thing, just a way to spice up your fantasy. Try watching American football instead. :-)
Coz an American football team consist of 53 players (offence team, defence team and special team) so instead of a mere 22 players, 106 strong, athletic and muscular jocks will be chasing you! Can you handle them? And the best part is, they all wear protection (I was talking about their helmets adn paddings).

Hope that helps. :-)

illusionaire said...

@ Benji: Hahahaha!!!! Dream on :-P

By the way, Monica finally sent that parcel to my friend after almost 3 months of delay! :-) What excuse are you going to make for your girlfriend's laziness? hehehe...

sunshine said...

he he... 106 men who'd look like Figo? Protection be damned. Slurp slurp.

sowmya said...

DUDE!!!! football, volleyball, basketball-everything with balls is great to watch!!![wink]
hey by the way, holland has to play against argentina, dont u think that is a lil tough??? almost everyone I know are cheering up for argentina[snob snob], is it true that they are a much stronger team than our huky "extraordinary league" of vans OR am I just being too shallow in suppporting a goodlookin team???
Let me tell you something, the other day I watched brazil take on croatia , and swear I could find only ONE goodlookin guy[kaka] in their whole team of football gods!seriously, does it always have to be that the best team is the ugliest team??????????????
errrr[snob!snob!!:-p]

illusionaire said...

LoLz @ sunshine. It's a shame Figo is so busy with the silly World Cup that he's not able to spend more quality time with you :-)

@ sowmya: Holland ranks higher than Argentina. According to the latest FIFA ranking, Holland is still on 3rd, after Brazil and Czech, and Argentina went down from 8th to 9th position as the World Cup league matches continued. (By the way India is 117th) But even if Argentina has a higher rank, it's ok. This is the World Cup where anything can happen. Remember the hardly known Senegal team that sent the strong French team packing home? or Korea beating Italy, the fall of Spain etc. Holland can easily beat Argentina at our group encouter so there's nothing to worry about.

Have faith in the "Vans", Sowmya!

sowmya said...

God save our team!!yeah my fav "van" , we are winning today!Thanks for the consolation. Just saw argentina beat the crap out of S&B. was scary, but M guessing our men will be able to beat them.:-)
CHEER CHEER CHEER
GOOOOOOOOOOO HOLLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:-)

sowmya said...

we won!!!!!hurray!:-)

virgochhas said...

hi! maggi boy,

1. fo ur kind info, der r some women hu love to make snacks fo their men wen they watch football (not all football match - FIFA World Cup and some few say EPL, Champions League etc.)

2. thanx fo pointing out bout da stoopid questions...your's truly asked about the 'head-phone' of the referee lolzzz...no wonder the man was pissed =))...

3. v dont want u to be hungry all da time so stop mis-quoting ur dee dee (in public)

4. Comic Relief????? Better take dat sentence out of the post... *grrrrr*..else i will send u that Hand Gun (fully loaded)

an Benjamin...*phew*...no comments...

Anonymous said...

HI Kima,
GIve us women a break! I am sure we would have been alot better with our knowledge about football only IF we cared as much as you men do. Plus there are alot of women out there who know alot about football...remember Bend it like Beckham.

The Last Templar said...

Kima, Aka Jesse

Hey, its fun reading yr take on football and the other sex. Here are some interesting things i had to listen to (from women, obviously):

1. One girlfriend knows only two players in the Indian Football team, one is Bhaichung and the other is, of course, how can she miss it- Bhutia.

2. After reading yr blog i told a friend abt the 'whether arsenal qualified for the World Cup?' story, a friend(she) asked me, 'whats so funny?, have they qualified or not?', realising that she also didnt know s**t, i said, ' look, pumpkin, Arsenal have won the World cup for a record seventh time last year, so they dont have to play the World Cup, they already owned the World Cup'. Her response, 'no wonder, they are a great team.' AARGGHHH!!!, the shot gun, Kima.

Nice piece. Keep on writing, jesse!

flygirl said...

Hmm..so what about women who know what an off sides *and* and lbws are? are we also the stuff of myth? *steps back to watch tiny brain explode*

illusionaire said...

Yay!!!! Yes we won Sownmya. Sorry, i was away for the weekend at this amazing beach resort with my sister and her friends... a post about that will come up once I get my hands on the photographs...

Next match Arg and Ned. Gonna be unteresting. Both teams are already in the last 16, so this match is just a matter of pride and, also, the winner of this will face Brazil only in the finals, but i say, bring it on. We can take on Brazil anytime! Go HOLLANDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!

illusionaire said...

@ virgo: hehe, stop buttering up my sis. She has long forgotten what she wrote her, and right now am munching the Top Rahman noodles she bought for me. hehehe...

And about Benjamin not making any comments here so far, ThankGod! LoLx.

illusionaire said...

@ The Last Templar: LoLx!!!! DUDE, it's been ages since anybody ever called me "Jesse". Hahaha, and this was only during those crazy school days. So you're from Montfort huh? Pray, tell me who you are before I go insane. Would be nice to catch up with you.

Hahaa and about the "Arsenal owning the World Cup" and Baichung and Bhutia playing for India, man... can't stop laughing here dude! LoLzzzzzzzz.....

illusionaire said...

@ anonymous and flygirl:

Comon, I already said this post was just a humorous take on women who don't understand the game or analyse the game as much as we do. But anonymous, i couldnt help but smile when u used the movie "Bend it like Beckham" as an example :-)
But I will not pass any comment regarding it for fear of facing more wrath from the fairer sex :-)

The Last Templar said...

Kima, Look no further.

The kingdom of God cometh not with observation: Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.

Thats a lil bit like ME

sowmya said...

Hey kima, M gonna be in bombay with my bestfriend, this week for a few days. hope to catch up with you, since we intend on partying:).

benjamin rualthanzauva said...

Ladies, wake up and come to guys like me who would't dump you for football!!

Since you asked for my comments.

flygirl said...

it's all about tone and attitude, illusionaire.

so, would like to hear some of this famous analysis. why don't you post some analysis about the tournie?! it would be interesting to hear your predictions at this stage

illusionaire said...

@ The Last Templar: Am still lost :-(

@ Sowmya: That would be great! Mail me when ur coming here. I'll send u my phone number.

@ Benjamin: Flirt. I really hope Monica reads this.

@ flygirl: Na, I thought of writing a review, but I'm going to be pretty biased as there are teams I hate and teams I love, and thats gonna lead to a whole lot of emotionaly arguments, so I think its best if I keep my personaly opinions about the various teams to myself. Thanx for the suggestion though :-)

Achtlandia said...

would gladly point the damn handgun at u. and u knw when? half time. july 9. grrrr. still eating noodles ur sis got for u?

illusionaire said...

No right now I switched to Top rahman noodles. By teh way maggi came out with a couple of bnew flavours like "Dal" and "sambar" which Im dying to try out. just tried out Top Rahman's latest "Khatta meetha" flavour and it was the most horrible noodles I've ever tasted.

Yeah looking forwards to that gun, Achtlandia. Bring it on :-)